How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
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6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
the composer
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?