Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
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I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
forgive me baja for i have blast
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith