If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
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The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
lmao
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil