Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
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“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey