You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
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i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
starting a garage orchestra
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?