I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
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*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there