I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
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Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.