Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
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Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
OKAY DAD
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy