I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
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How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like