You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
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BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.