Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
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Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Sounds like a bargain
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more