I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
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The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I feel attacked.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*