About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
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When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.