Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
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Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Free him
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.