After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
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If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.