Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
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I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?