whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
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Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.