I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
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Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
i’m sure it’s fine
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
The Sun’s probably Asian.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”