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JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
But wait…
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE