just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
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Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.