We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
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My chiropractor is a crack addict.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.