I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
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Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
LOL
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine