Batman v Dracula
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(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Every work meeting this week
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise