I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
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I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.