Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
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How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
birds and squirrels envy us
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!