She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
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Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.