My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
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I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”