High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
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I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”