blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
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You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
This guy’s not having it 😆
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)