I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
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I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
can’t believe I got front row seats
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
me irl
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.