Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
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Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can鈥檛 see him
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
This salad I鈥檓 having for lunch tastes a lot like I鈥檓 having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don鈥檛 panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
馃幎If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 馃幎
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we鈥檙e really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: 鈥o you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.