assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
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Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
For the ones in the back.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.