every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
You Might Also Like
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
this is literally a CIA plant
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed