Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
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My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Carpe DM
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend