My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
You Might Also Like
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
peep davidson
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not