Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
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in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
“How’s your day going?”
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you