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It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
My hips? Compulsive liars.