A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
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Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*