If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
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My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Modded the new Gran Turismo
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Worst perfume name ever.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”