this is me
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e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”