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Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Yes, but it was never about money
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”