Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
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DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Home is where your toilet is.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.