Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
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Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question