God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
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me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
When I grow up, I want to be 16
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video