My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
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I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
King: For the last time, whatâs your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? đ¤
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think Iâll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Why is he not as excited to meet me? đ
Victorian photographers like âOkay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where itâs unclear whoâs actually aliveâ
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
âYellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.â Oh! Gary watered the plant. âYellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.â Oh, ffs.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
I wouldnât ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
If you need me, Iâll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
âDo I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?â I axe myself.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
live long and prosper!
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?