hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
You Might Also Like
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
channeling her this year
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.