[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
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Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
This is the best one I’ve seen
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator