*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
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If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
It’s actually Dr. whatever
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly