Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
You Might Also Like
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
bout dat hot dog summer
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before