[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
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First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
“That’s what” – She